Cut the Shit

A Conversation with my Therapist

As I said yesterday, I had to leave right after work to go to a therapy appointment. I’m down to two visits a month – partly because of finances and partly because things have been going fairly well. However, my sessions have been incredibly intense as of late. Sophie used to be so laid-back and truthfully, I was a little perturbed that she wasn’t really giving me a push into any sort of direction. But all that changed a couple of weeks ago when I confronted her on the issue.

When I saw Sophie yesterday, I immediately launched into the story of the date gone horribly awry. Here is the conversation we had immediately following the story that you read about yesterday:

Sophie: I don’t understand. You must be leaving something out.
Me: No. That’s exactly how it happened.
Sophie: But Joe, I don’t see how V’s response to the date could have made you so upset. There is something you’re not telling me.
Me: There really isn’t. I did it to myself. Everything went fine. I just wanted it to go better and then when it didn’t, I picked myself apart to the point where I felt like a worthless piece of shit. The ugly thoughts crept in and I did nothing, but fuel the fire.
Sophie: I want you to stop doing that.
Me: I know.
Sophie: I mean it. It’s not helpful to you and we’ve done too much work in here for you to fall back into that self-destructive behavior.

At this point, I started to tear up.

Sophie: Why does this make you upset?
Me: Because I don’t know how to appreciate and love myself. I look in the mirror and I see someone that I hate; I see someone that is insecure, ugly, unsuccessful and overweight.
Sophie: But you aren’t any of those things. Why do you see yourself as that?
Me: (now fully crying) I don’t know.
Sophie: You do know.
(pause)
Sophie: Joe, you do know. What is it?
Me: I really don’t. I mean, if I had to take a guess, I’d say that I was afraid of rejection from everyone and everything.
Sophie: That’s exactly what I think it is. You are so afraid of being hurt by someone that you hurt yourself first. That way, if and when the rejection comes, you can handle it, cuz you’ve already beaten yourself up so badly that nothing else will hurt. This started when you were a child and you’ve come up with a way to close yourself off against people that aren’t even attacking you. It’s a way to self preserve, but it’s not a way to live.
Me: (sobbing) You are absolutely right.

Sophie hands me a tissue and we sit for a minute.

Sophie: Are you really upset that V wasn’t interested in pursuing you? You just told me that when you went to the gay bar before the date, all sorts of men were hitting on you and giving you an abundance of attention.
Me: Yes, they were. But I didn’t like any of them. I liked the one guy that barely made eye contact with me.
Sophie: And this is something that you’ve done since we’ve begun treatment. You seem to refuse to accept yourself for the wonderful man that you are and when someone else compliments you on that, you turn and run away.
Me: Cuz I don’t love myself and I don’t believe them when they say it. They don’t know who I really am.
Sophie: We need to figure out a way for you to learn how to appreciate yourself for the qualities that you possess; for the positive impression you make on everyone that meets you.
Me: I want that. I want to be able to see myself through the eyes of my friends and family. I want to be able to be PROUD that I was the hot guy at the bar. I want to be able to hold my head high even though I feel fat and disgusting and unworthy.
Sophie: You are not fat. You are not disgusting. You are a good looking, intelligent, incredibly intuitive young man. The only person telling you that you aren’t these things is yourself. And it has to stop.
Me: I know.
Sophie: When these thoughts creep into your mind, I want you to force them out. I want you to ignore that voice in your head. And at the same time, I want you to replace those thoughts with different accomplishments that you’ve achieved, or even with thoughts of how popular and loved you felt when you went to that bar before the date. Those are the thoughts that are going to increase your confidence level. Those are the thoughts that will help to keep your spiral into depression and self-destruction at bay.
Me: What if I can’t do that?
Sophie: You can do that. You may not WANT to do that, but you definitely CAN do that.
Me: So essentially I need to trick myself into believing I’m a great person.
Sophie: I think it’s a good exercise to work on until we meet again.
Me: Do you think that I make myself upset just to make myself upset?
Sophie: I think you’re more comfortable being frustrated and angry than you are being content. You try to please everyone, but on the inside, you aren’t pleasing yourself and that is exactly where the rage comes from; that is exactly what brought you to see me over a year ago. Over time you will see that no one wants you to appease them. If anything, your friends and family want you to appease yourself. It’s your life and spending it living for other people or criticizing yourself for no reason is surely not the way to move forward in a productive and edifying manner.

After this, we dove into some territory that is incredibly personal to me, so I’ll have to end there.

I adore this woman. I’ve been with her for 16 months, longer than I’ve been with any therapist in the past. She is smart, caring, and straight forward. And she compliments me over and over until I have nothing else BUT to believe in myself.

Last night when I got home, Paul and I had a fantastic dinner. At the end of the night, I was brushing my teeth and washing my face and for about five minutes, I stared at myself in the mirror until I fully believed that I was a good looking, strong, and beautiful person. It worked.

Then this morning as I was putting on my jeans and getting ready for work, I started to get that feeling of “I don’t want to leave the house. I hate who I am.” And you know what I did? I went back to that bathroom mirror and I stared at myself, saying things over and over, until I actually convinced myself that when I left the apartment, all eyes would be on me, but in a positive way.

Ironically enough, today, I feel good about who I am and there are moments when I actually believe that I look good too.

I’ll do this mantra every day for the rest of my life if it ultimately means that I’ll learn to love myself the way that everyone else does.